No Zytrons In Range

Ok, so MS SQL Server has the worst installer in history. And Visual Studio 2008 has the second-worst installer in history. That’s a given. But when the two installers attempt to interact with each other, you’re left with an experience only slightly more pleasant than a lifetime of burning in hellish torment.

If you work with these two products, you’ll probably see the following dialog box when trying to install MS SQL Server 2008 SQL Server Management Studio (say that one three times fast!):

Rule “Previous releases of Microsoft Visual Studio 2008″ failed.

A previous release of Microsoft Visual Studio 2008 is installed on this computer. Upgrade Microsoft Visual Studio 2008 to the SP1 before installing SQL Server 2008.

(Yes, the grammatical error is in the original.)

It sounds simple enough, but true evil is always subtle in its workings. Once you receive this message, you do the only rational response, open up Visual Studio 2008 and select “Check for Updates” in its Help menu. This takes you to Windows Update which, lo and behold, actually has a download available for Visual Studio 2008 SP1! So you spend the next hour and a half (no kidding) installing the service pack from Windows Update.

So far this is the most easily-overcome obstacle I’ve ever encountered with one of these horrible installers! Or it would be if it worked, but of course it doesn’t. Despite the Windows update installer claiming to update Visual Studio 2008 to SP1, it doesn’t appear to actually do anything at all. Even after you reboot. At least, the version number for Visual Studio doesn’t change and SQL Server’s installer still barfs all over it.

Crap.

After a long Google search, I found a lengthy explanation of the problem, and if you spend the requisite 3 hours trying to understand the gibberish, you’ll realize where you went wrong. You can’t update Visual Studio using the update link that comes built-in to Visual Studio, you fool! You must instead use the one available at this website!

I write this in the hope, probably futile, that it’ll rise in the Google rankings and help the next pour soul who receives that poorly-written error message with no clue how to resolve it. And with the hopes that somebody who works on Microsoft’s SQL Server or Visual Studio teams will read this and fix their goddamned installers already! (but I’m not holding my breath on that one.)

Edit: I should have anticipated this!

Of course, after writing instructions on how to remove a common virus, I should have realized my content-sensitive Google ads on the left side of the page would all instantly turn into scam anti-virus tools.

Please, please don’t attempt to use any of those advertisers’ products to fix your computer if that’s what you came here to do. In fact, don’t click them at all. They won’t work, and you’ll just have more crap on your computer. Remember, despite anything Google might tell you, they don’t personally vet ads before letting them loose on their network and they don’t bother removing bad ads until somebody complains.

Sorry.

I managed to infect my work machine with this little bastard, and it took me several hours but I finally figured out how to get rid of it. Despite the name on the Wikipedia page, Vundo isn’t a trojan, it’s a plain ol’ virus, which managed to gain a foothold on my computer through Sun’s Java plug-in.

Lesson 1: Java is by far more trouble than it’s worth; uninstall it.

Anyway, I seem to have gotten a brand new variant of Vundo that slipped under Symantec’s radar, and the existing removal instructions and tools simply didn’t work for me at all. The most useful existing tutorial is on this seemingly nameless page, and the instructions on McAfee’s guide, which got me 75% of the way to the solution, and from there I found my own way to finishing the job.

To remove Vundo:

1. These instructions assume you are running Windows XP and have Administrator privileges. This shouldn’t be an issue, as if you didn’t run as Administrator, or were using Vista, you probably wouldn’t have been infected in the first place.
2. Follow the instructions on the seemingly nameless page linked above for identifying the DLL files used by the virus, up to the “Remove the Infection” header. (These instructions outline using ListDLLs.exe to get a list of all DLLs currently running on your computer. Vundo DLLs have a blank Version column, “C:\Windows\System32″ in the Path column, and have a string of 8 random characters as the filename.) Save the list somewhere handy, or print it out.
3. Locate the first DLL file on the list in your “C:\Windows\System32″ folder. Right-Click the icon and select Properties. Click to the Security tab. Make sure the “Everybody” group is selected, then click the Deny checkbox next to Full Control. This should automatically check all other permissions in the Deny column. (Note: you won’t be able to uncheck the “Allow” column, but the fix will work anyway.)
   

4. Repeat the last step for the other Vundo files identified using ListDLLs.exe. (In my case, there were 3 DLL files used by the virus.)
5. (This is the kind of nasty part.) Perform a hard reboot by holding the power button of your computer in for 15 seconds, or until it turns itself off. You cannot allow your computer to shut down normally, or Vundo will rename and reproduce itself during the shut down process.
6. After your computer finishes restarting, you can now delete the DLL files you changed permissions on. You should also empty the recycling bin, to ensure they are fully deleted.
7. Run a virus scanning program that’s normally capable of getting rid of Vundo to ensure nothing else remains. Spybot Search and Destroy seemed to do a good job of identifying it, or you could download and use Symantec’s removal tool.

How does this work? The variant I have keeps its DLL files constantly open and locked using both WinLogon.exe and Explorer.exe, so they are impossible to rename or remove.

The seemingly nameless page recommends queuing the files to be deleted on the next boot, but that didn’t work at all on my system. (Once WinLogon.exe is running, the DLL files are impossible to delete. I think the “delete on next boot” utility doesn’t run until WinLogon is already running.)

McAffe recommends using Process Explorer to Suspend Explorer.exe, WinLogon.exe and RunDLL32.exe as you do the removal, and then do a hard reboot. This in theory would prevent Vundo from re-establishing itself during the shut down process, but it didn’t work for me because the DLL files were impossible to rename or remove while Explorer.exe and WinLogon.exe were running, even when they were suspended. (Which makes sense– suspend is like pausing a program. If the program has locked files, why would you expect them to become unlocked while it was paused? I can only assume McAffe’s directions work on a different variant of Vundo, although I can’t see how.)

My solution relies on three handy bits of trivia I’ve learned:

• Windows XP boots using Administrator group permissions.
• Deny permissions always over-ride Allow permissions.
• The NTFS driver starts enforcing file permissions really, really early in the boot process

Basically, by setting Deny permissions for the Administrator group on the DLL files, we made it impossible for any program on the computer to run them, even programs that start before the user is logged in (like WinLogon.exe.) Once WinLogon.exe and Explorer.exe both fail to open the Vundo DLLs, they can simply be deleted from the system because they are no longer locked.

I hope this is helpful to somebody down the line.

Posted from a new iPhone. I’m so ashamed.

Ok, the iPhone is a really slick piece of technology. It also requires iTunes for all of its features to work. If you want an analogy, this is kind of like taking the precision steering of a formula one racer and installing it into a 5-ton garbage truck.

iTunes sucks.

iTunes sucks a lot.

I’ve spent the last 2 and a half hours on the phone with Apple, trying to fix this:

And this:

After a few long exercises in time-wasting* and lots of hold time, we finally managed to solve the first problem, hopefully permanently.

The second problem? Not so much… even re-installing iTunes didn’t help it. It’s just a giant steaming turd of iTunes suckage I have to click through now every goddamned time I plug in my iPhone.

And yes, I made Apple’s techs wait on the phone the whole time it took me to uninstall iTunes (4 uninstallers!), download a new copy from the web, and install it again (one installer with 2 UAC prompts!) If they’re going to release shoddy products, they’ll have to cough up the dough to keep those techs paid when I run into problems. Even trivial problems, in fact, even more so for trivial problems simply out of spite.

I bet if every iPhone user who had problems with iTunes called them up, they’d be rushing to make a new version of iTunes with the shittiness removed. Am I the only one who gets bothered by crappy software that hardly works?

Oh well. The iPhone works, finally, and it’s busy loading itself up with music from my media server.

* No, idiot Apple tech, my default Vista cookie settings are not the cause of the problem, otherwise you’d get 10,000 calls a week about this exact same issue from other Vista users! Engage your brain!

A recent “live chat” with an Earthlink customer service representative. Proving that if you ever see anything that looks like dry-loop DSL in Washington State, you’re dreaming and should go back to bed.

Chat Information: Thank you for choosing our secure EarthLink Sales chat. All agents are currently assisting other customers. Thank you for your patience. You are number ’1′ of ’1′ customers in line. Your estimated wait is ’0′ minutes and ’30′ seconds.
Chat Information: Hello and welcome to EarthLink’s secure live Sales chat. You are chatting with Kelly K..
Kelly K.: Thank you for using EarthLink’s live Sales chat. How can I help you today?
James Schend: Hi, I currently have Verizon and I want to drop my landline phone service and get dry-loop DSL, is that a service you offer?
Kelly K.: Great, I can help you with that.
Kelly K.: Let me see what is the best service available for you.
Kelly K.: To do a check for service I will need your full name, phone number and complete physical address at that location.
James Schend: My name is James Schend
James Schend: Phone is ___-___-____
James Schend: And address is __________
Kelly K.: Thank you.
Kelly K.: One moment while I get that information for you.
Kelly K.: Thank you for your patience.
Kelly K.: I see that you are serviceable for our High Speed DSL service.
Kelly K.: Our Freestanding (Dry Loop) DSL Internet is not available at that location yet.
James Schend: Ugh, that’s no better than Verizon. Is there any way to be notified when it’s available, or request it?
James Schend: I’d rather not give Comcast any money, but I’m sick of being ripped-off for a local phone I never use.
Kelly K.: I am afraid no. Well you can keep your phone service to the minimum so that our Highspeed DSL Internet can run.
James Schend: What would that cost per month?
Kelly K.: This is a best effort technology with speeds up to 1.5mb on the download and up to 128kb on the upload.
Kelly K.: Right now I can save you $99 by waiving the fee for equipment and activation. You then get the first 3 months of your contract for only $12.95/ mo. and the remaining 9 months are just $39.95 each.
Kelly K.: I can get this started for you right now, if you would like.
James Schend: I’d rather have 3 mbit, is that available?
James Schend: That’s what I currently have through Verizon.
Kelly K.: Sure.
Kelly K.: This is a best effort technology with speeds up to 3.0mb on the download and up to 384kb on the upload.
Kelly K.: Right now I can save you $99 by waiving the fee for equipment and activation. You then get the first 3 months of your contract for only $19.95/ mo. and the remaining 9 months are just $39.95 each.
Kelly K.: Would you like me to get this order started for you?
James Schend: What kind of phone service comes with that? You said the bare minimum, but I still ahve to pay all the phone taxes
Kelly K.: Well we do not provide phone service.
James Schend: You just said it would be minimum phone service to qualify for DSL
Kelly K.: I am just telling you that you can keep your existing phone service to the minimum cost so that you can use our Highspeed DSL Internet.
James Schend: That’s no different than what I have now, except I have to pay 2 bills every month
James Schend: Instead of one
Kelly K.: Well that’s right but EarthLink DSL service is rated the best service by PC Magazine as well as JD Power. With all of the additional features that we offer with our Internet service that is hard to get with other companies , along with our Award Winning Technical and Customer support
James Schend: I don’t care about any of that, I just want internet service at a decent price with NO local phone and NO cable TV.
James Schend: I don’t know why it’s so damned hard to get that.
James Schend: I’m knowledgeable enough on computers that I guarantee that I’ll never call your tech support or download your software.
James Schend: I just need service.
Kelly K.: I understand your concern but our Freestanding (Dry Loop) DSL Internet is not available at that location yet.
James Schend: It’s 2008. When will it be? When I’m long dead?
James Schend: Sorry, I’m just so frustrated that I’m chained to this goddamned useless phone.
Kelly K.: I understand your frustration.
James Schend: Well, thanks anyway for your help. But paying more and having two bills instead of one isn’t an improvement.

Yes, just because Washington State is home to Microsoft, Amazon and Nintendo of America doesn’t mean we get any reprieve from the lousy state of Internet provider monopolies in this country. God-forbid I go my life without a useless and annoying land-line telephone, Verizon’s doing me a favor by offering me shitty service!

(P.S. Yes, I realize I was pretty rude to the sales person there. Oh well.)

As a sequel to “Zune – Wha!?“, Here’s another gem from the Zune team:

Error when connecting/disconnecting USB headset

Two bugs for this post:

1) I was watching a movie on Zune (MP4 format, if that matters) when I plugged in my USB headset to make a Skype call. Despite my computer’s default audio being re-routed to the USB headset, Zune continued to play over the speakers. Every other application on my computer will change its audio output to the headset except Zune, so this is extremely annoying.

Workaround: Quit Zune, restart it, then play the same movie and skip to the same point at which you plugged in the headset.

2) After doing the workaround above, I finished my Skype call and then unplugged my USB headset. Zune then stopped my movie playback with the error “To listen, connect speakers or headphones to your computer.” Two points here:
a) This error message is insultingly moronic. No shit, you need headphones or speakers to hear things? I’m so glad I have Zune to tell me these things! (Must have been written by the same guy who wrote this error message: http://blakeyrat.com/2008/05/10/zune-wha/ )
b) It also was a blatant lie; there *are* speakers hooked up to my computer. Zune was just too stupid to switch audio output to them, like every other application I’ve used ever does.

So if you plug in, or unplug, a USB headset while watching a movie on Zune, you have to restart Zune.

Can someone on the Zune team please look up the phrase “plug and play” in the dictionary? There’s no excuse for this shoddy coding in the year 2008, I think pretty much everyone is aware of the existence of USB sound devices by this point, right?

Thanks.

PS, despite my griping about bugs, I really do like the new features in the new version– now that Zune buffers MP4 files read from network disks, I have absolutely no reason left to use iTunes. And that’s nice, considering how bloated and ugly iTunes is.

Whenever I go shopping, I always encounter the item with the gloop on it. Maybe you’re reaching into a freezer shelf and get frozen ice cream gloop, or you’re grabbing a can from a shelf and get exploded sauerkraut all over your hands.

What can you do? Well, you can’t blame the store, after all they stock thousands of items every day. And you can’t blame the truck driver, it’s not like he wants the products in the back of his truck to explode and get gloop all over. Some grocery stores actually have paper towels in some aisles to wipe gloop off, but those seem to be few and far-between. But as I was grocery shopping today, I came up with the perfect solution to this problem.

Inspired by the self-cleaning public toilets Seattle has placed in their public parks, and the moisture systems supermarkets already have installed for their produce, I propose the Supermarket Shampoo. Simply install car-wash style water nozzles and powerful fans on the top and bottom of every supermarket aisle.

When 2:00 AM rolls around, the nozzles let loose, blasting every single aisle with powerful water mixed with a special Supermarket Shampoo mixture and washing the gloop off everything in sight. Once the shelves are clean, you simply turn on the fans and dry out the store so everything is sparkling clean for the next day.

Best idea ever.

This is all I ever see when I try to use Google Docs Offline while actually offline. Brilliant work there, Google. (It seems to work fine while I’m actually online, if that’s any consolation.)

An email I was recently required to send a complaint to New Line Cinema (movies@newline.com; their email address is hard to find, but that one seems most relevant) after suffering an embarrassing and annoying experience with their broken copy protection.

Hello,

I recently rented the DVD of the movie “Shoot ‘Em Up” from Blockbuster Online. I was originally planning to view this movie on my laptop, since I have a long train commute to work, but I found I wasn’t able to. The disk didn’t seem to read or work correctly in either VLC or Windows Media Player. Once I got home from work, I instead tried to view it on my Dell desktop computer, but I had the same issues as on my laptop. So I attempted to play the DVD on my Macintosh G5 computer, only to find that it wouldn’t play on that computer either.

I tried:
1) A HP laptop computer, using both VLC and Windows Media Player
2) A Dell desktop computer, using both VLC and Windows Media Player
3) A Macintosh G5 desktop computer, using both DVD Player.app and VLC
4) An Xbox 360 game console

The Xbox is the only device in my entire household that seemed able to play the DVD, and I was finally able to watch the movie using it.

The DVD is not scratched or damaged, so I can only assume that the problem is caused by some copy protection you placed on the disk. I understand the need to protect creative works from piracy and copyright infringement, and as a software developer I often face the same types of issues that a movie studio does.

However, I would never create a product that simply does not work on my client’s/user’s computer to meet this need of copy protection. This DVD is, in a word, defective. All of the above devices have the standard DVD logo on them, and are perfectly capable of playing every other DVD I’ve come across.

Since I rented this DVD and did not purchase it, it would be out of place for me to demand any compensation for the time and effort it took to determine why this DVD was not playing on my various computers. I do hope that you take a step back and realize that one of the primary reasons people pirate movies such as Shoot ‘Em Up is the increasingly strict copy protection that refuses to allow them to play the movie the way they want it played. I’ve never downloaded a movie over bittorrent before, but I sure was tempted when I wasn’t able to play this one after three attempts—I can guarantee the bittorrent download would have played on my laptop the first try!

Thank you for your attention,

- James Schend

I’m not usually one of those foaming-at-the-mouth “DRM and copy protection is evil!” type of person, but making and selling a product that simply does not work in the name of copy protection is way over the line. Way over the New Line (ha ha, get it?)

I just auto-updated my Zune software to version 2.5, and when it started up I was greeted by the following dialog box.

For the image deprived, the dialog reads:

You recently enabled graphics and video enhancement. Is the screen displayed correctly? Yes/No

Ugh! Where to even start!?

1. No I didn’t. I didn’t “enable” anything, much less “graphics and video enhancement.” I don’t even know what that is, or how to enable it, or why I would want to enable it. Above all, this dialog lies to me.
2. Are you seriously asking me if the screen is displayed correctly, in a dialog box!? “I’m sending you email to ask you if your email is working.” Of course the goddamned screen is displaying correctly, idiots.
3. Wait a second, do they literally mean the screen!? Are they seriously saying that something Zune’s installer (or it’s “graphics and video enhancement”) might do to my computer could actually fuck around with my video card? That’s certainly the implication, isn’t it? Of course, what they actually mean is “window,” not “screen.” At least, I hope to God they do.
4. And lastly, but perhaps most importantly… if the window was displaying incorrectly, how would I know? Zune has a very customized UI that doesn’t lend itself to instantaneous judgments of “correct” vs. “incorrect.” (See the screenshot at the top of this post.) The dialog doesn’t present a screenshot describing what it’s supposed to look like. How could any end-user, actually answer this dialog?

I hit “yes.” It seems to be working ok. I’m mildly curious to know what would have happened if I hit “no” or the close box. (I like to imagine it would shuffle the window around a bit and then ask me if it’s displayed correctly now… kind of like those “can you hear me now?” commercials.)

Congratulations, Zune developers. You’ve earned this:

P.S. I really do like Autoplaylists. And thank you from the bottom of my heart for fixing MP4 playback from a networked drive!

I found a new product announcement via Neatorama that is possibly the dumbest product ever made. Not only mind-bogglingly useless, but mind-bogglingly expensive at the same time. Behold, the Greenhouse Eneplug:

See? It’s an adapter that lets you plug your charge-via-USB devices directly into the wall to charge! Wow amazing! Except…

1. Devices that charge via USB generally already come with their own charger. For instance, my Motorola RAZR phone and my iPod both came with their own version of exactly this. This isn’t a new or innovative product in any way, I probably have 3-4 in my living room right now between all the crazy computer peripherals I buy.
2. It costs $47!

   

   For that price, you could buy three standard powered USB hubs. (On a positive note, it’s available the “begging of May,” whenever that is.)

3. Oh, and those powered USB hubs you could buy? They have more USB ports (4 or 8, compared to 1), a longer cable so you can place it where you want, and they’ll do the exact same thing as this $47 device if you simply don’t plug it into a computer. Oh, and if you do plug it into a computer, it’s also a USB hub. Amazing magic product!

I think the point here is to convince gullible environmentalists that if they didn’t use this thing to charge their USB devices, they’d have to leave their entire computer powered on to do it. Which would be a decent point, if it were true, but I’ve yet to see a device that charges via USB and doesn’t also come with a wall charger of its own. And even if you did care about powering on your computer, and you had a USB device with no wall charger, you could still just buy a dirt-cheap powered USB hub and do the same thing, except better in every way.

I think this very well be the most useless product ever sold. If I haven’t talked you out of it, you can order one at GeekStuff4U.com.